Yeah unless I can find some idiot to make love to
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
I just let my hand run under cold water for five minutes. I couldn't stop staring at it and the only things I could think about were how amazing it felt, how cool water was, and what a wonderful world it is that we live in. Reasons why I don't smoke...
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
I feel like he doesn't realize we're offering him a threeway with sisters and I don't understand how that's possible.
Maybe we should bring mom next time.
Randomize
