Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
would you kill someone to have someone deliver pancakes to you when you were high?
Let's just be mature adults about last night and never speak of it again.
Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.
i stood outside in the bushes for thirty minutes. Do you know how many drunk guys pee in bushes at 2 am?
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
