I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
He let me finish eating my sandwich while I sat his face. I think I'm in love with this little eager beaver.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Randomize
