it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She might as well just lie down with one of those red "Easy Buttons" next to her
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
Randomize
