Jerry, you need to find god
Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I mean, I love her. But not "I'll have a threesome with her." Type of love.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
