the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Ah I wish I was there to nurse you then clean up your piss-filled water bottles
for some reason the bedside piss missed the water bottle today
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour
I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
I just watched a squirrel take down a snake,life isn't so bad after all.
Maybe if you would fuck your boss you would get string cheese too
Randomize
