My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
I tried watching the view, i got through 8 minutes. That is probably a world record.
They always sound like a bunch of chickens.
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I wish they had nachos that got you drunk
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
It's like his dick is pushing through his pants and driving him over here.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
My Easter Basket from my parents consisted of one chocolate bunny and a massive amount of condoms and a single note saying "the pope approves of the use of condoms" love mom and dad
Fortunatly we found him, he was on my roof. Unfortunatly, we can't say the same for his pants. Still looking. BRB.
Maybe those shots of hot dog water wasn’t a good idea after killing a fifth of tequila.. but who’s askin
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