Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
She has the perfect pussy. Looks like a paper cut with a puff of cotton candy on top.
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
It took me three days, but I managed to nearly get arrested on my way out of LA. Made it to the airport. Crisis averted, though. The real crime is, my flight is delayed two hours.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I'm now at a gay bar with our relatives
Why do pants feel so unnatural once you enter your own house
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
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