Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
I'm drinking while my friends build sand castles, now I know how my dad used to feel
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
how many times in life can you be kicked out of a pizza buffet for vomiting on the food and insulting small children
i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over
Wet with either fear or sexual excitement
I think a mixture of both is appropriate
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
What should've been a 10 minute beer run turned into her having a 40 minute mental breakdown in my car while in the parking lot. She then asked if she could live at my house and be my girlfriend. Her finishing act was stealing my peanut m&m's.
Well, when a girl introduces herself as "stormy" and gets your number from her boyfriends phone, I'd say that your situation is to be expected.
she just punched him in the balls in front of everyone and yelled "YOU SEE WHAT YOU MADE ME DO"
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
Randomize
