somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.
you kept slapshing your drinks on people saying the power of christ compels you.
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
Could we try to replay the decision making process whereby only you and I bought and drank a keg this weekend? Because there were some fundamental flaws!
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
I never thought I'd end up with a prison pen pal through tinder
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
