I couldn't deal, she's a vegetarian. Every woman should like a little meat in their mouths.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
There should be a rule. If your dick is under 6 inches, you are not allowed to dress as Thor.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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