I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Woke up with a raging boner...good feeling abt this trial
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
Ive consumed more rum studying for law school finals than I did that time I fucked that fat chick in the back of VW Beetle. It's all ugly, but for different reasons.
At what point lastnight did a lens fall out of my glasses and nobody tell me?
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
It wasn't even dirty talking, it was more like the soothing gentle nonsense noises you make when you've spooked a horse.
Imma do four shots of whisky within two minutes and pass out. Otherwise this'll go badly.
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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