you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
Just did the walk of shame across state lines...milestone?
i guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning..
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Burnt my boob on a piece of hot waffle at work today..I feel like thats a new low point in my career..
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
