I jusy said out loud "gingers unite in the middle of the night"
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
Jumped in the kebab van and said he was Ultimate MasterChef. Incurred wrath of six angry Turks. I got free chips.
That was an excessively violent trivia night
That last minute feeling of hesitation on whether I should bring my health card to the bar usually means I'm in for a good night.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
She climbed up the stairs with three brownies in one fist, two in the other, and one in her mouth. Also, she opened the bedroom door with her foot. I may be in love.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
DELETE THAT VIDEO OF ME MAKING OUT WITH THAT RUG NOW
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
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