I just walked in on my dad looking at porn. is there protocol for this?
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
We let 3 boys take us home and then we woke up in the middle of the night, stole all the coozies out of the house, a loaf of bread, a case of water, a pair of shorts, called a cab, and went home.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
