I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Oh and apparently something happened that was related to "THIS IS SPARTA" but no one will tell me what I did.
So I'm going to blame my boobs hurting on that.
You ran out of his house yelling "I got the goods!" Then you pulled toilet paper rolls out from under your shirt.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
