According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
And then I chipped his tooth because I got too into it. Helloo, single life.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
I just remembered you had me meet your law professor while I was wasted...how'd that go?
How could I forget your birthday? I have an alarm in my phone to ask you for sex that day.
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
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