After last night I still want u
But please keep that on the DL
I need a shot of tequila, and quick death
i just had sex bonerless
I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
Just woke up with my keys in one hand and cheesecake in the other.
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I really want some funfetti cake but I feel like its more socially acceptable to go out and drink
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
How was that girls surprise party last night?
Got absolutely destroyed tried to put somebody's leather jacket on and make out with their mother. You know.. the norm
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
