dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
singing on the bus should be illegal
huh?
There's a group of like 8 white people in the back of the bus harmonizing to sugar we're going down
If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."
SHUT IT DOWN.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
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