I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
He wouldn’t know a good thing if it bit him on the ass. Which, btw, I did.
You went after him with a sword while screaming “FAJITAS!”. And Todd was dressed as a Goth for some reason
Randomize
