just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
All I want to do is fuck in the bell tower before it leave this school. Is that too much to ask?
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
He said that he doesn't like skittles. This relationship is over an it hasn't even started yet.
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
