shaved balls and baby powder=awesome
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
im bored tell me something entertaining
You got period blood on my carpet. I lied to my mom and said it was jam.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
FOund a bunch of old fireworks spring cleaning.
Who is our new insurance provider?
I spilled beer everywhere which led to an oil fire and me melting a spatula again. And then I was late to class so I explained what happened to the teacher.
Remember that time you gave me a fat lip with your vag? We should do that again!
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
Just for future reference. Do not do zumba while stoned out of your mind.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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