What about the words "You're my personal dildo" made him say "I love you"?
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I run into you far too many times while completely stoned and/or drunk for this not to be fate. It's like god is telling you to fuck me.
It has been happening a lot lately.
Turns out floaties are a great thing after a couple bottles of vodka
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Randomize
