he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me
i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.
please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.
Hah no, But it might feel like water boarding to my soul
I just saw a black chick with an eyepatch. This is a once in a lifetime opportunity.
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
he just cleaned his wound with pinnacle whipped
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
Randomize
