Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
that's right. bitches got laser pointers. let's fuck shit up
Why do you hate her?
She's dating the best penis that has ever entered my vagina.....
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
Edible... I FEEL CLOSER TO THE UNIVERSE AND I DEF TRAVELED IN TIME. I THINK I CAN READ MINDS NOW.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Like at first he was barely doing anything. So I was like harder and then holy shit he's like going all HULK SMASH on my vagina. I mean it felt fucking awesome. BUT STILL
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
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