it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
Your roommates boyfriend just approached me while I was working to tell me about the staph infection he got on his face. Where do you find these people?
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
...and as she's going down on me I look at the speedo and I'm doing 15 under, with 6 cars tailgating me, and I know her parents saw her head pop up because they were the car right behind us.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
Randomize
