toast her oven
toast her strudel
inspect her gadget
She called it mighty mouse.. And from there it was down hill
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
WHY WOULD YOU SWIPE RIGHT???!!!!!
The same reason I ordered and ate almost an entire pizza last night
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
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