sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
someone shit in a solo cup and left it at the base of the stairs. fuck orlando dude.
These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
Who was the person who brought the rooster when they won @ beer pong
No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
I'm drunk and in a paddle boat and my friend won't quit yelling about pandas. Does this ever happen to you?
i don't know what happened one minute im stumbling home drunk and the next im drinking pabst and smoking with a french guy ive never met named hugo.
Randomize
