Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I'm like still hungover from the quinceanera.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
Randomize
