She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
I basically have a picture with a half naked foreign exchange student. He kept screaming rolltide and i felt like a traitor
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Man, that hitchhiker cursed me.
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
Randomize
