He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
They both told everyone they fell in a mud puddle
Oh they definetly fell in the mud, repeatedly, on top of each other
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
Don't date the locals. They're all tainted.
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
My ex gave me head because she said she didn't enough when we were dating... Best ex ever? I think yes.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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