Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.
That's not what Jesus is for
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I try not to flex my sex appeal too much around the engineers, it's like feeding bears...always ends in disaster.
I wanted to have a threesome but they’re TOO HETERO
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
