Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves
Right now I can't do anything that will ban me from donating plasma. That is a legit source of income for me.
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
You need to come back and help me drink our beer so the fridge has room for the other beers
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
MIDGETS
????
Hey I can officially say I made out with a drug lord.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize
