Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
my mothers day present is going to be not puking at the table during brunch
He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I'll have to start mass sending dong pics to get the recognition I deserve
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
You know it was a good night when visa fraud prevention services are calling
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I'm actually pretty sure the amount of alcohol I drank last night erased memories from other times in my life.
Randomize
