i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
So i had a lucid dream about blowing myself. This is why people love me
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
BRB. These cougars are squabbling over my junk and one of them is offering to pay my tuition
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