Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
My only regret is that we didn't pee on our neighbors Prius
DO IT, or I'll send you pictures of my hickey to remind you of your loneliness
Finally hooked up with her. She bought me tacos after because "she can do better in a bed". You're gonna be my best man.
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Was so high at one point last night that while showering I was worried that using too much hot water would slow down our Internet.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
