just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
I think vodka calistinics prior to and during beer olympics was a bad idea
Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
She bit a glass in half.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
My head is bruised from having sex in the backseat of an explorer last night.
Randomize
