Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Yah, I definitely wouldn't wanna be fingered with a fake arm...
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
You're telling me he never had to ask for a blow job and he STILL broke up with you? I call bullshit on that one.
He made a playlist to use during sex...that ended with The Ultimate Warrior's entrance music.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
So when he asked me to go on a date tonight, I didn't think the words "have you tried a suppository" would be part of the evening.
Randomize
