Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
my being single is dangerous.
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
I've been living off of popsicles and broth.
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
Pretty sure I'm taking the break up well. Alcohol made me okay with it and drugs keep me agreeing with why I dumped him in the first place.
How drunk are u on a scale of one to couldn't get it up if u had a gun at ur head?
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
It's has to do with my genitals. Don't ask.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
