I believe that I finger-banged my way to the top of the corporate ladder.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Apparently there was a black out and the security alarms went off except I was convinced it was the microwaves and made ben unplug them all then got really frustrated cos he wasnt doing it right
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
i knew my hormones were back to normal when i went to ikea and didn't want to fuck any of the workers
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
You know you're more responsible when you turn down your bed and make a clear path to it before you go out..
Randomize
