were not allowed back there because i puked on the waitresses foot while trying to order another round. for myself.
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
Put the lady boner away. He's engaged. To my brother. No, life is not fair.
Randomize
