I just saw grafitti that read "Mug The Fart Eater". Really, Memphis? That's all you've got?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane
She's riding a bike down the street and drinking brown liquor. A pt cruiser is honking at her and she's like I HEAR YOU!!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
Crust to egg proportion prescribes to a pedantic form of quiche. It's like saying breakfast pizza isn't pizza at all.
I am so stoned. And there are so many white people in this Jack in the Box.
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
I told you about the baby at the graduation party that looked into my eyes and knew I was empty inside
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
Randomize
