Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.
You wear Armani Exchange.
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
The "don't get cum on anything" rule also applies to my furniture and scarves
That's not technology. Doesn't count.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
so we’ve decided to fuck for our own health
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