I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I told you I was good to drive
dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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