i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
you would have been so proud of how classy i just looked at the pharmacy with my $10 off plan b coupon. so resourceful.
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
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