It was laundry day and I was wearing last xmas undies. he took one look and went...you's a ho, ho, ho. my response you ask? for less dough, dough, dough. I'm a slut.
with a sacreligious after taste.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
Did you poop on the roof?
WTH?
Is that a no?
Randomize
