He asked me if I "almost moaned"
he proceeded to punch 3 mailboxes in a row and when i asked him why, he said "because they were talking shit"... i need a new boyfriend. and a new life.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
Okay so my roommate deals some drugs so whenever he leaves we can hook up, be ready
I didn't know I was the on call booty call damn
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