New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..
just woke up. hair smells like weed and bbq. shins are bruised. vague memory of us chasing deer at the park at 3 am. fill me in on what exactly happened.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize