I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Naked snow angels was a very bad idea. My vag is now frozen shut.
I love 3rd shift and working at a hotel I just had a late night booty call while I was getting paid..could life get any better??
i liked you for your lack of ambition and abundance of weed
At this point, I wouldn't be surprised if he laughs at all of our attempts to keep him sober.
She was hammered and showed her gay best mate a pic of my cock, his response was "I fucked the wrong brother"
On a side note apparently my brother is gay
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