So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
Its raining shots and i keep catching them in my mouth like you with dicks shits crazy
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
He told me to take off work and bring a bathing suit. If this doesn't involve six flags hurricane harbor or sex in a hotel pool I'm going to be disappointed.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
