Nakedness is not a toga. Just sayin
It's like God shit irony all over that family
I don't understand how people can have that much vomit in them
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
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