I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
i want to swaddle you in tequila
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
This chick at the gym, just informed me I was super funny this weekend. Especially when I untied her friends bikini top after throwing up in the women's restroom. SWEET black out chronicles has another story
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
Of all of my friend's husbands, I like when yours hits on me best
Awe that means so much to us
Randomize
