I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
It's six am and her daughter just walked in on her mom and roomful of naked people playing strip spoons. glad Im apart of that childhood memory....
I'm pretty sure his cum gave me swimmer's ear.
your were asleep with people making out on top of you. you didn't even look bothered by it.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
Let's just say, I will never again lick an asshole.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
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