just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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