i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
You do realize he's just an extension of his penis, right?
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
Please don't give away my fajitas
Randomize
