we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
Are you still giving blowjobs?
Who is this?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
It's not a walk of shame if you run
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