I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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